‘Nailed’ It
This is a tale of desperation. Of creativity. Of woman triumphant over nature! Nature namely being my inability to open a bottle of hot sauce.
Let me set the stage. I was cooking a meats, a veggies, and a rices. While making said things, I was simultaneously heating the foods I actually planned to eat in the microwave. It was just one of those days.
As I stuck my plate in said microwave, I decided I would like to try out my new bottle of hot sauce. I take it from the fridge, little knowing the herculean trial I was about to undergo….
I can’t get the cap off my bottle of hot sauce - I’m usually pretty good about popping lids open. In fact, I quite relish the opportunity to do so for others as it makes me feel strong and powerful. (I am a woman who finds pleasure in the little things). However, try as I might, this wooden cap will not come off!
I try padded grips - Never fear! I have padded hand grips to uncap this unfortunate situation. These were gifted by my mother who was in turn gifted them by one of my siblings long ago in early elementary school days. But alas, these trustworthy allies of many a battle failed me as my own hands had done.
I pull out the Vise-grips - When at first (and second) you don’t succeed, try try again. I pull out the big guns here. Vise grips from the tool chest. Neither bolt nor screw will refuse me entry with this trusty companion in my grasp!…except said vise grips aren’t large enough to fit around the wooden cap. Cue swearing.
Let us take a moment to recall there is not only other food cooking but my microwaved dinner still sitting inside the microwave. I’m on a doomsday timer. Will I get my hot sauce open before my food grows cold? Thereby forcing me to reheat and imbibe the now mushy result? Or will my quick wit and skill grant me the victory I seek?
The hammer and nail are chosen - If I can’t yank the damn cap off, I’ll just have to destroy it. I grab a hammer and nail from my tool chest and pad the bottom of a plastic container with a kitchen towel (in case of unfortunate shattering). I settle the bottle of hot sauce inside my impromptu anvil and start carefully hammering the top of the cap. Let me repeat. I am hammering at wooden cap resting atop a glass bottle of hot sauce. Nothing could possibly go wrong. Once I bore a small pinprick in the top of the wooden cap, I switch over to another handy dandy tool.
The screwdriver - I grab a wood screw out of my tool box to replace the nail to begin start twisting, twisting, twisting. Eventually I hear a snap and the wooden cap has a split. EUREKA! I carefully extract the wooden halves of the cap and set them aside….only to discover there is yet ANOTHER foe between myself and spicy goodness! A plastic cap was hidden underneath the wooden one!
The return of the padded grip - I return to my first tool of choice. Thankfully this time the padded grip avails me and I’m able to easily twist it off the bottle. Since I have basically screwed a hole in the top of said plastic cap, I decide to dump a good 1/5 of the liquid out to avoid killing myself via plastic shavings. Then I turn and triumphantly open the microwave. With great fanfare I remove my food and dose it with my hard-won prize. Even better news? My food was only half cold. Halfway through my meal it dawns on me. The wooden cap was not meant for turning. It was for pulling. I had, in essence, been pushing at a pull door. And when I could not get the door to open, proceeded to sit down and dismantle the entire thing in order to exit the building.
Ending thoughts:
I am proud of my ingenuity for not only opening the impossible bottle but doing so in a timely manner to avoid food reheating.
I am a dumbass of the highest caliber.
Only by plumbing the depths of hell can we ascend the mountain of spicy goodness.
Until next time, fiends.
P. S. I stuck a tissue into the hole I’d made in the plastic cap. Now I’m greeted with a spicy molotov cocktail every time I open the fridge.