CJ’s Electrifying Experience

It all started with a bike...my Twin’s bike. She had fallen victim to the Pelaton marketing and gotten a bike last year. Naturally, she only decided to start using it when summer began which is rather unfortunate this house suffers from what I like to call ‘Jerk-Face Builder Syndrome.’

What is Jerk-Face Builder syndrome, CJ?

So glad you asked. It’s a mindset wherein house builders decide no one apart from the master bedroom couple deserves to have overhead fans in their rooms.

An aside about fans: They are necessary. In fact, even more important and less expensive way to keep a room cool. As someone who has lived in places that rarely add a fan (in fact, overhead lightning was at a premium in most cheap apartments. Only the kitchens, bathrooms, and maybe a hall light. You need a light in the bedroom you better figure that shit out yourself.)

Back to the bike. Now that my Twin is exercising regularly, it sucks not to have a fan. After trying to buy a small fan-on-bike combo, she turned to the overhead lighting to meet her cooling needs.

Now, it must be said that my Twin loves to decorate. She is the type that will set up a collection of décor then spend the next hour moving everything by half a centimeter until she is perfectly satisfied with the arrangement. Unfortunately, this means that Gamer and I are often pulled into said decorating projects to hold the items she moves by half centimeters or construct the object she moves around. (Wedding vows should include a clause about holding up different paintings for hours on end, fiends.) This means when she finally picks out a fan for the bedroom, she is not the one putting it together.

I, on the other hand, enjoy learning new household skills, and electric work* is something I’ve rarely had the opportunity to indulge. So, innocent that I was, I volunteered to assist.

*The real danger of electricity is not, as some unknowledgeable twit would have you believe, being electrocuted. It is, in fact, your arms falling off from holding them overhead for hours at a time trying to install a stubborn wire.

A complete and accurate list of fan installation:

1.     Unpack the box.

2.     Read the instructions.

3.     Read the instructions again.

4.     And again.

5.     Finally understand them. Maybe.

6.     Assemble the fan casing (while reading instructions again).

7.     Don’t put up the fan because it starts thundering.

8.     Wake up the next day.

9.     Scream back and forth until you finally figure out which breaker switch turns off said lights.

10.  CHECK THE ELECTRIC OUTLETS WITH THE BEEP TOOL.

11.  Begin taking down old light.

12.  DOUBLE CHECK LIGHT OUTLET WITH BEEP TOOL.

13.  Finish taking down old light.

What step are we on? Thirteen you say? Well, only now are you able to actually begin installing the new fan light. And this is when things become interesting. Imagine you’re putting together a puzzle with mostly-adequate-but-occasionally-confusing instructions. Now imagine you’re doing that at the top of a ladder while holding every piece of said light fixture overhead. After two minutes your arms are trembling like a leaf in a hailstorm. Luckily, modern light makers have developed a nifty device to reduce overhead arm strain. Once the light support base is in place, one merely hooks one lip of the light casing over two little hooks and the light hangs in place while you work on the wiring. This, dearest fiends, cuts down on the amount of cursing by half. You can twirl those pesky wires together in peace without having to worry about your partner’s arm strength giving out before you’re halfway through.

Once the wires are connected, you swing the light casing up and screw it in place. Tada!

Wait, did you think we were done? Not even close, fiends. Next, you attach the fan blades one by one to the underside of the casing. I’m not sure if you’re aware, but fans are built to move in a circular pattern. This is very helpful if one needs to cool the air. This is very unhelpful if one is trying to attach anything, and usually involves bonking your partner’s unsuspecting head as you chase the fan around the ceiling.

When that is finally finished you should probably take a break and get off the ladder. But CJ, you ask, why would you take a break when you’ve finally finished? Because you’re not finished. You still need to attach more things to the light fixture!

By now I was seriously reconsidering my desire to learn electrical installation. Yet I could hardly stop partway through. So I continued, bemoaning the fact that I was not even halfway done.

A complete and accurate list of light installation:

1.     Get back up on the ladder.

2.     Partially install two screws to hang the light casing.

3.     Feed ginormous cables through a tiny hole in the light housing.

4.     Connect said cables.

5.     Disconnect said cables after realizing they are facing the wrong direction.

6.     Swear a lot when the cables refuse to disconnect.

7.     Make Gamer disconnect them for you.

8.     Get back on the ladder and connect the cables correctly.

9.     Finally attach the light casing to the partially installed screws.

10.  Install a third screw into a hole you can no longer see due to the connected cables.

11.  Curse again as you drop the screw while trying to shove the cables aside.

12.  Finally insert and tighten the screw while making screwing puns.

13.  Use yet another set of screws to attach the plating to enclose the dastardly cables.

14.  Insert the light bulbs into the sockets.

15.  Remove one light bulb because it’s making a funny crunching noise when you turn it.

16.  Insert light bulb again.

17.  Remove light bulb because the crunching noise happens again.

18.  Give up and insert light bulb despite crunching noise.

19.  Insert glass cover and carefully thread the notches with arms like limp noodles.

20.  Make Gamer clip the fan and light chain extensions on because of limp noodle arms.

21.  Get off ladder and turn on power switch.

22.  Beam with satisfaction as both light and fan work.

23.  Walk away so that someone else has to clean up the mess.

Wow, you’ve finally finished installing a fan! Give yourself a pat on the back if your arms can still reach that high. Just remember. Fans might be essential to cooling Twins on bikes, but you should always be...your biggest fan.